How to program in c / Wie programmiere ich in C ?

Ein köstlicher Einblick in die Strukturen der Programmiersprache C wie auch der Machenschaften der Firma Microsoft. Programmierkenntnisse empfohlen.


 #include <nonsense.h>
 #include <lies.h>
 #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
 #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

 #define say(x) lie(x)
 #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
 #define soon next_year
 #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

 void main()
 {
   if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
   {
     if (there_are_still_bugs)
       market(bugfix);
     if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
       raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
   }
   while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
   {
     make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
     if (rumours_grow_wilder)
       make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
     if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
     {
       market_time = ripe;
       say("It will be ready in one month");
       order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
       order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
       order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
       vapourware = TRUE;
       break;
      }
   }
   switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
   {
      case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
        say("It will be ready in", today + 30_days," we're just testing");
        break;
     case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
        say("Yes it will work");
        ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
        pretend(there_is_no_problem);
        break;
      case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
        say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to the 32 bits architecture");
        inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
        inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant 'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
        inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
        get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
        break;
      case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
        say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
        register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
        when(time_is_ripe)
        {
          arrest(journalist);
          brainwash(journalist);
          when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
          {
            order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
            release (journalist);
          }
        }
        break;
    }
    while (vapourware)
    {
      introduction_date++; /* Delay */
      if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
        break;
      say("It will be ready in", today + ONE_MONTH);
    }
   }
   release(beta_version)
   while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
   {
     bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks;
     release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
     introduce(more_memory_requirements);
     if (customers_report_installation_problems)
     {
       say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
       if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
       {
         ignore(customer);
         order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");
       }
     }
     if ( bills_bank_account > skyhigh && marriage > two_years )
     {
       divorce(woman_that_was_beautyfull_when_I_married_her);
       wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
       marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
       devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
       if (boobies_start_to_hang)
         dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
     }
     if (there_is_another_company)
     {
       steal(their_ideas);
       accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
       hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
       wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
       buy_out(other_company);
     }
   }
   /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
   order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
   buy(nice_little_island);
   hire(harem);
   laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
 }
  
 void bugfix(void)
 {
   charge (a_lot_of_money)
   if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
     say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
   if (still_complaints)
   {
     ignore(customer);
     register(customer, big_Bill_book);
     /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
   }
 }

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